Now these are not lessons I learned when I was 9 and sucked at baseball. These are lessons I’m learning now as my kids play. Because let’s be honest, I listen to the coaches better now than I did then.
1) Spend more time encouraging your kid than correcting them.
It’s not that “training your child in the way he should go” is not important. I’m just learning that a kid needs to know they are loved before they know they are wrong. Being wrong can still be a safe place if you are loved. So if I’m throwing with my kids or helping them in batting practice, I need to find more good to say than bad. Which is a feat. It’s not part of what we know as coaching. It wasn’t how I was coached. Maybe that’s why I was lousy at baseball. If a kid is encouraged, then the sport can be fun. If it’s all about correction, then we end up creating 10 year old stressballs. Why would anyone want to play, if it’s just another time to get in trouble? I want my kid to walk out of a day at the park knowing firmly that they are loved, and maybe to have learned something helpful about sports. Their identity is more important than their ability.
2) Scolding your child in front of everyone does not accomplish what you want it to.
I cringe every time a parent yells at their kid from the bleachers. It makes my stomach churn. And yet, if my kid is playing third base, and is looking at a jetstream in the clouds instead of the ball, I have this urge to yell at him. Mainly so he doesn’t catch a line drive in the face, but I’m sure some of it is that I want him to do what is right in the game. However, the goal of correction is that they do it correctly the next time. That they hear what you say, remember it, and change their actions. But if you are humiliating them in front of their friends and everyone else, I don’t think they can hear what you are saying. They are not receiving your instruction. They are just shamed in front of their peers. They may be hurt. They may be angry. But they are not thinking about how they can do a better job next time.
3) There is something to celebrate in everything.
We were lucky and our team was really good this year. Not championship good, but solid second place, win most of the time good. But even in the losses, maybe especially in the losses, our coaches still sat everyone down afterwards and told them what they did well. They still gave out a game ball. They still pointed out the positives, the growth, and the small successes. And I think it’s in those times that we need to hear those things the most. It’s when it’s dark that we need the smallest lights. It’s when we’re sad that we need the smallest joys. I’m sure the coaches were disappointed in those times too, but they took more time away from their families, more time until they got to eat dinner, more time until they were alone, to invest in these kids. To say, “hey, you did a good job of….”
There are probably a lot of other things I should have learned. Maybe next season. Or maybe you have some to share.
Thoughts?
Todd
Having just finished coaching my son’s team, your 3 points above are great observations. I remember early in the season we would try to correct the mechanics of the pitcher in between pitches. That wasn’t the time. When we just pointed out the things they were doing right, the other things they were doing ‘wrong’ would most of the time work themselves out. Then it just became a matter of hitting the catcher’s mit. Practice is the time to work on mechanics – game time is reserved for just reacting.
I think life is like this as well. When we spend our alone time focused on God and His Word, praying and asking for His guidance, when game time comes and we are forced to react to a situation or make a quick decision we will be better prepared to react in way that would glorify God.
Excellent! Outstanding!! Two thoughts really stand out: Kids need to know they are loved before they know they are wrong. Their identity is more important than their ability. Every parent needs to read and heed the precepts in this blog.
You can apply the same three points to people in general, to all relationships, as well.
I know my son will not remember each game or moment. So I always ask myself what part of the game do I hope my son remembers 🙂
Todd, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. Too many times we as parents/coaches seem to forget what it’s all about, “the kids”. As parents, we are to encourage our children without going overboard.
I’ve seen coaches scald children telling them that they are no good and shouldn’t be playing the sport. Yes coaches want a winning team but need a reality check, this not professional sports and definitely is not about the coach. A coach should include each and every child on the team. Keep the team concept and do not individualize kids. Take a struggling child and build him/her up. Then the satisfaction is enjoyed, both by the child and the coach. The true gratification of doing a job well done is a voice appears behind you saying
“Thanks coach for spending the time and encouraging me” At this point can can consider
it a job well done.
These are excellent points and can be applied to raising and disciplining children as well. It’s so important to give children encouragement and praise even if you have to really stretch to find something positive they are doing. I’m thinking of my grandson who is 2-1/2 or 5-year olds in my class who may be a real challenge. It is so important to find something positive to focus on, even if there are many behaviors that need correcting.
Two very great pieces of advice I have used through the years came from our pediatrician and from the kids’ favorite 5th-grade teacher. The pediatrician said when they are engaged in an undesirable behavior, tell them,”Good boys/girls don’t do that and you’re a good boy/girl” (younger children especially). So simple but so effective!
The teacher’s advice was for stimulating conversation about school. If you ask “How was your day?” or “How was school?” you usually just get a one-word answer and that might be the end of the conversation. She suggested asking the child to tell you about one new thing they learned in school that day. It helps them to think through what they learned and to hopefully give you more than a one-word answer.
My children were never in little league but I have a grand daughter who is very insecure about everything she does. I can’t imagine criticizing any attempts towards anything she does…I try to encourage her to do her best, do everything for the Lord and not pay attention to what others might think. I tell her to have fun, use the creativity God gave her and just enjoy the moment. BTW Todd, love your new CD, it has helped me immensely in the dry, spiritual valley I’ve been in…it was great worshiping with you in Brookfield WI not long ago….
LOVE these points!!!
1) Spend more time encouraging your kid than correcting them.
I am reminded when I was a young person beginning college I had this instructor who would sing out how happy he was to see me and hear me sing. It was genuine and it filled me with so much joy. I absolutley hung on every word he said. When he had a correction, it was never a criticism because I felt so completely accepted as wonderful. I would work hard to do what he asked me to do. I could not wait to get to my lesson each week. I grew so much! In contrast, I then studied with a professor that was supposed to be such an honor, and he would stomp his feet and yell at me (and criticize me bc it was not my goal to be a diva at the MET someday). I learned Nothing that semester. I cried a lot. I felt ashamed. I felt sick to even practice and missed classes a lot because I was “ill”. I stopped being a music major bc of him – it wasn’t worth it. And I missed out bc God made me to sing and I should have been going a different direction than the one I did (I accept my own responsibility, but understand the context of what I’m sharing here).
2) Scolding your child in front of everyone does not accomplish what you want it to.
On the other hand, praising your kid in front of everyone (not outrageously so as to be boasterous) accomplishes much! When you scold – you embarrass – you are saying – I don’t trust you to do it right – you’re a failure. Tell a kid often enough s/he is wonderful or a failure, and s/he will live up-to or down-to it. Scold your child in public and you will lose his/her respect. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t care what someone I don’t respect has to say, regardless of their position over me, and it breeds a spirit of rebellion.
3) There is something to celebrate in everything.
Kids grow up way too fast, and when we’re looking back at the memories, things that seemed like a crisis at the time seem pretty insignificant in light of a lifetime. I have friends whose 15 year old has Lukemia. They are stressing if she will ever have the chance to go to prom, get married, heck, grow-up. So we need to chill and celebrate every minute we have with these precious kids – before you know it you’d give anything to have a little time again.
My husband coached Little League for years and always gave the unlikely kids a chance to play impt. positions, like pitcher, etc. Their parents thanked him afterwards, no coach had ever given their kids a chance b4 other than to warm the bench! They finished first because they were a team and loved to play!The game is not about a ‘win’. It is about doing your best and trying. An aside, we are so happy you are coming back to Iowa to Spirit Midwest in August( 3 and 4) …it’s been too long since you were here with Barlowe Girl!!